Monday, 24 February 2014
Funny Facebook Status Updates:
- When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
- I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
- I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won.
- I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something.
- God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.
- Sometimes you just need some space............To fart.
- I wake up when I cant hold my pee in any longer.
- Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!
- If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
- I like to name my iPod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
- I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
- If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Whenever i have a problem, I just sing, Then i realize my voice is worse than my problem.
- They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
- Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
- I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he needs more proof.
- That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays.
- Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
- If you can't Change a Girl.....Change the Girl.
- Need Love...? .......No...I would prefer vodka..!!
- When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…
- I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and i’m still at school.
- Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person.
- All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.
- Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.
- She is so fake that she should have two facebook accounts; one for each face !!!
- That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
- Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
- I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.
- Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
- The longer the title the less important the job.
- When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived in that situation.
- I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
- Looking at people’s mutual friends and saying “OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM”
- Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
- Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
- Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
- Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
- A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
- We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person.
- When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car”
- Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
- How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday.
- When a woman says WHAT? Its not because she didn't hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
- Dear Google, Please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will u please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.
- Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
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